Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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