I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
