if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
