i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize