$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just want nice things and good sex
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
