You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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