Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
