i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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