Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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