The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize