The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
