I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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