I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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