so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
