i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
