3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
