I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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