I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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