So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
