Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
