How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
