Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
