How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
