So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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