K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My vagina just recognized that song.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize