Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Randomize
