At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize