when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think I won the penis lottery.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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