put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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