Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
