i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
nutella sex= disaster
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
