this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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