I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My bed is full of blood and feathers
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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