My friends, they love my intelligence
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
