Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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