I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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