woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
