My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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