Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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