Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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