I'm gonna have a badass scar
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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