Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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