my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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