Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
