Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Randomize
