Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
