the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
