I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
