Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The power of my boobs compel you
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize