I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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