508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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