So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
not ubering you a puppy
There are leaves in my underwear?
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