I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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