Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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