Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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