After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
