I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
