i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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