She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm bleeding and have questions
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
