I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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