he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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