I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
